Her response surprised and rather upset me. She said : "Well my daughter walked at 16 months and I never worried about it. She turned out great!" Keep in mind that this colleague knows all about our preemie escapade and how far V has come. While I appreciate that the feeling behind it was to encourage or reassure me, I always feel frustrated by comments like those.
Another fav of mine is (after discussing something that is particularly worrying me) : "Welcome to the parent club." Since, you know, worrying about how your child does in karate, if they get a date to prom or about them getting good grades in math is exactly the same thing as worrying about a central part of their development that could completely alter the entire rest of their life as well as yours... exactly the same thing!!
I was trying to wrap my brain around what exactly bothers me about the comments, why they annoy me so much and I think I have figured it out. They bother me because they minimize and completely undermine my feelings. Its as though them telling me not to worry is equivalent to telling me I have no reason to worry, that I am working myself up into a worry fit for absolutely no reason, that I must be crazy or something.
This realization then kind of made me wonder how many times I had done that. Offered false or empty reassurances... "Of course you'll pass your test"... "I'm sure you'll beat this, you're so strong"...
I guess my point is that when someone is telling you about either a legitimate worry of theirs or a triumph over some great difficulty, chances are that by telling them they have or had nothing to worry about in the first place will only make them feel crappy. I'm sure lots of other people have talked about this before, I guess I'm just realizing it now and feel its worthwhile to share! Validation and active listening in those cases would have been a lot better, for me anyway...
To get back to my colleague, I guess a great response would have been amazement and awe at my daughter's great accomplishment... but then again isn't that just always the best answer to moms bragging?!
xo
C
Another fav of mine is (after discussing something that is particularly worrying me) : "Welcome to the parent club." Since, you know, worrying about how your child does in karate, if they get a date to prom or about them getting good grades in math is exactly the same thing as worrying about a central part of their development that could completely alter the entire rest of their life as well as yours... exactly the same thing!!
I was trying to wrap my brain around what exactly bothers me about the comments, why they annoy me so much and I think I have figured it out. They bother me because they minimize and completely undermine my feelings. Its as though them telling me not to worry is equivalent to telling me I have no reason to worry, that I am working myself up into a worry fit for absolutely no reason, that I must be crazy or something.
This realization then kind of made me wonder how many times I had done that. Offered false or empty reassurances... "Of course you'll pass your test"... "I'm sure you'll beat this, you're so strong"...
I guess my point is that when someone is telling you about either a legitimate worry of theirs or a triumph over some great difficulty, chances are that by telling them they have or had nothing to worry about in the first place will only make them feel crappy. I'm sure lots of other people have talked about this before, I guess I'm just realizing it now and feel its worthwhile to share! Validation and active listening in those cases would have been a lot better, for me anyway...
To get back to my colleague, I guess a great response would have been amazement and awe at my daughter's great accomplishment... but then again isn't that just always the best answer to moms bragging?!
xo
C
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